 A Bikur Holim Primer Printed with permission from "The Chesed Boomerang" by Jack Doueck www.judaicapress.com Visiting the sick, in Hebrew, is referred to as Bikur Holim. Very often I encounter people who want to visit ill people in a hospital or old age home. But, they just do not know how. Many people feel uncomfortable visiting a sick person. People ask, “what do I say?” “What should I not say?” “How should I act?” “How do I make it enjoyable?” Rabbi Eliezer ben Isaac (11th century Germany) wrote in his Orot Hayim (Paths of Life): “Visit the sick and lighten their suffering. Pray for them and leave. Do not stay too long for you may inflict upon them additional discomfort. When you visit the sick enter the room cheerfully.” The purpose of this book is to motivate you to do volunteer work, or to dramatically increase the chesed in your life. The promise is that it will enrich your life and the lives of others. Visiting the sick is a vital part of chesed. It is a skill that needs to be practiced. I have compiled a list of guidelines for people who would like to visit the sick. These “forty two rules of Bikur Holim” are intended to be used as a primer on the mitzvah of visiting the sick, the lonely, the elderly or anyone else who needs a friendly visit. Please feel free to use these “rules” liberally, and to spread the word and encourage others to visit the sick and enjoy it as well. They are divided into four parts. A) How to show respect B) What to talk about and how to talk about it. C) Things to do on the visit. D) What to remember before you leave. Enjoy! A. How to Show Respect 1. Respect the elderly, or the sick, or lonely, as people. Respect their points of view. 2. Respect their privacy. 3. Let them feel important, special and loved. 4. Find something to love about the person you are visiting. Everyone has some lovable qualities. Make a sincere connection. You won’t regret it. 5. Be Yourself . You have your own style of speaking to others. Use it and be natural. The patient will appreciate your sincerity. Try to speak on the same level and don’t forget to SMILE. 6. Give the elderly opportunities to share their talents, their experiences, their potential, their past. Utilize the interests of the elderly; help them to develop some new interests or to revive old ones. 7. Do not break an appointment without letting the person know. Do be faithful in your visits. They mean a lot. 8. Do not make it a “them” and “us” situation; make it a sharing one. 9. Avoid making the relationship one in which material giving takes precedence. Remember that the important thing to them is that you are there. 10. Let them do as much for themselves as possible. They have pride and human dignity. Don’t take that away from them. 11. Be patient, calm and gentle. 12. Don’t be effusive or overly anxious to please. That may seem insincere. 13. Be sincere, be yourself. Don’t use flattery. B. What to Talk About and How To Talk About It 14. Identify Yourself. Upon entering the room as a stranger, put the person at ease by identifying yourself. Be sure to greet other patients in the room as well. Ask the patient if this is a convenient time to visit. Be prepared to leave if the patient is sleeping, tired, preoccupied, or has other visitors. Do not stay too long. It is the quality of your visit that counts. 15. Be a good listener. Establish and maintain eye contact. Position yourself on the same physical level if possible. Focus all your energy exclusively on the other person. 16. Patient Confidentiality. Do not discuss the patient’s condition unless he or she offers the information first. If the patient does bring up the subject, then encourage the discussion, as this can be very therapeutic. 17. Be Observant. Look around the room for flowers, cards, photos and books that you can discuss. Take an interest in the patient and ask him or her about where he or she lives, what he or she does, any hobbies, children and grandchildren, etc. Encourage the patient to do some or all of the talking. 18. Ask the person: “How are you doing?” and carefully listen to his or her answer. 19. Restate what you hear the person saying to you. 20. Ask questions that will help you get acquainted and will show that you are trying to understand. 21. Ask about family members. Are they visited? Are they lonely? 22. Do not talk about your problems. If they ask about your family, talk about it but try to keep the conversation directed toward them. 23. Make light conversation; say positive things; avoid controversial and depressing subjects. 24. Do not speak about death or dying unless an elderly person himself introduces the subject2–– because of fear, anxiety, or need of clarification on the subject, or because he or she knows that death is imminent. You should be aware of the various possible reactions, such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. 25. In any situation, you should listen and maintain a stance reflecting hope and positive approach. You should be careful not to interfere with the religious views of the elderly person and should not impose your own ideas on the subject. Remember that the elderly are very realistic. 26. Do not give medical advice. 27. Remember that everyone who has lived 65 years or more has had many interesting experiences. Ask about them. 28. Look for similarities, not differences. 29. Give feedback to the person: State what you’ve noticed or learned about the person or his or her situation. State what you are going to do about it (if you can do something). Tell how you feel. For example, “I’m glad I came to see you today” (But only if you are sincerely glad!) C. Things to Do on The Visit 30. Smile and enjoy yourself. 31. If appropriate, shake hands to greet the person. 32. Create an atmosphere of caring, love, acceptance and trust. Don’t judge, criticize, complain or offer advice. Just try to listen, to understand and keep the patient company. Your unconditional presence is all that counts. 33. Be Prepared for Surprises. Keep in mind, if you are in a hospital, that you may see unpleasant sights. Prepare yourself mentally to accept them. 34. Doctor’s Orders. Before responding to a patient’s request for water, food or to be moved, check with a nurse or doctor. The patient may be under medication or scheduled for an operation. Also, please do not offer medical advice, just listen. 35. Proper Hygiene. Always wash your hands before and after a visit so as not to transmit any bacteria to yourself or to the patient. Never visit if you are sick. Even a cold can be harmful to the patient. 36. Play cards, read out loud, play a musical instrument or bring along some yarn for the client to begin knitting a baby sweater, scarf, etc... 37. Encourage interest in appearance. Maybe she will let you give her a manicure or fix her hair. 38. If it is appropriate, you can ask if they would like to go outside and take a walk. D. Before You Leave, Remember: 39. Check to see that their needs are being met (and take notes). Is there enough food? Do they need clothing? Do they need weekly visits? 40. Follow Up. Ask the patient if he or she (or the family) needs anything, and find out if you can fulfill the request. Upon leaving, wish the patient a speedy recovery. 41. Prayer. It is customary to recite Tehillim (Psalms) or a personal prayer in the name of the patient later that evening. Ask the patient, “would you mind if I prayed for you?” Praying for the health of the sick is actually considered part of the mitzvah. “The visitor perceives their suffering and prays for God’s mercy... If one spent time with the sick but forgot to pray for Divine compassion, he has not fulfilled the mitzvah completely.” 42. Be Proud of Yourself. You have just taken away 1/60th of the patient’s illness. Congratulate yourself on doing a good deed. You have just improved someone’s health by showing him that someone cares.
|